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If over the course of your life you don’t learn anything from your relationships then you’re doing it wrong. And as much as you’re learning how to deal with other people, you really should be learning as much about yourself. That’s not just romantic relationships either. Hell, I’ve learned about how I feel towards insects from some of the relationships that were forged in my younger days in certain apartments I’ve lived in.

Yes, I learned that for the most part, if the roaches just stayed out of the way in the daytime, they could own the night more than Joaquin Phoenix. See? Learning.

Like most people, I spent a lot of time being told what was important in relationships with women and things that should matter. And also like most people, I was never told why certain things should matter, but just that it does. It’s like in pimpin…as a square, I can’t be made to understand why being a pimp makes sense and that women don’t get a single, solitary percent of their earnings, to a pimp, that just make sense and as a square, I’m not supposed to understand it.

Bad analogy? Possibly. However do you know what I just did? Saved 15 percent by switching my car insurance to GEICO. True story.

By the way, all pimp documentaries are simultaneously the most disturbing, ridiculous, and entertaining pieces of cinema ever. Oh…AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. It’s fascinating because it’s hard to believe that people actually live that life on purpose and believe that it’s okay.

Back to the lecture at hand…again, I have discovered things about myself that don’t matter to me one way or another in a relationship. So I figured that I’d share with you all.

(By the way, for anybody fascinated with public housing and housing policy in America – as I am – peep The Pruitt-Igoe Myth on Netflix.)

1. My woman ever fixing me a plate

While I appreciate the gesture, I don’t know that I’d ever get my boxer-briefs into a bunch because I was dating a woman who never did this for me. I had a homeboy once tell me that if your woman never fixes your plate she doesn’t care about you. I also watched The Brothers and saw a bunch of wayward women determine that if a man doesn’t give you his last bite of food he doesn’t love you. The lesson here? People have really dumb theories and you really shouldn’t trust any movie where Clifton Powell and Gabrielle Union dated. Or advice in any movie starring Clifton Powell, the patron saint of Bad Black Movies. Really, the man’s a legend in that regard now.

2. If my woman likes being in the club

Not that controversial I know, but I do know some dudes who have made it very clear that they want their women at home all the time…while they are free to go to the club. I kind of wish that some folks would listen to themselves when they talked. If I could teach the world to be a thug in harmony, that would be one of my commandments. Point is, if my lady wants to go to the club and party, do it boo. Plus, that way I can keep up with all the latest in pr0n without feeling icky and slamming the laptop closed whenever I hear footsteps. Perhaps I should take my own advice and read that last sentence outloud. Mmhmm.

3. If my girl has male friends

Yeah, I know. Folks swear that men and women can’t be friends. I don’t intend to argue this. There’s really no point anymore. I’m both a living testament to the fact that a man can have female friends and that a man can’t have female friends. I’m both ironic and a paradox. I’m also a firestarter, and if you ask quietly…I’m Batman. Point here is, I don’t care if my woman has male friends. I only care if she feels like I can’t have women friends. Then Houston, we’ve got a problem.

4. Kind of in the vein of #2, I also don’t care if my significant other stays out late and parties

Unless of course she were to make it a habit and neglect her responsibilities at home. Then again, if she ain’t my wife does she even have responsibilities at home? I don’t know. I’ve confused myself. But sometimes I stay out late. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like a nut. Sometimes I don’t. Then again, if she’s always doing #2 with #3 resulting in #4, then perhaps I need to get rid of her anyway. Either that or she’s got a job she isn’t telling me about and has a stage name…like Sparkle. That totally comes out on Friday.

5. I don’t care if my woman can’t wash clothes or isn’t a great cleaner

I’m kind of OCD about my clothes anyway so I’ll do all the washing of my unmentionables. And because of that little OCD thing, I’ll likely go back over whatever she attempted to clean anyway just to make sure its, ya know, clean. So if she’s not so bueno at cleaning it won’t matter because everything will likely be spic and span anyway. I have a problem. But it’s a good problem because at least everything is clean while we discuss what’s wrong with me. Win? Win. Yes lawd.

Those are a few things that don’t really matter to me in a relationship. What about you? Ladies and gentlemen, are there any things that were told you’re supposed to care about but you really don’t?  Sharing is caring now.